Enough

Irrelevance

2012-01-06T01:10:00.002+08:00

That moment when you realize you don't matter anymore.

Two years down the road.

Things have changed.

So we're not still the same.

We're not who we were.

I can't remember if we're at where we hoped to be.

I can't remember if all that was said was a real memory,

or just a vivid reverie.

Distance is such a contradiction.

Priorities have changed.

It's not us against the world anymore,

issit? ;' )

Happy Two Years. You still haunt me everyday even as a memory.

At the end of the day it still comes down to this

2011-10-29T00:28:00.000+08:00

"Someone like me" and "someone like you".

Good enough I'll never be.

How you snuck up on me

2011-10-26T01:06:00.001+08:00

So I spent the first 3 hours of my 19th year of existence replying wallposts, messages, tweets, and taking a truckload of pictures of the second surprise from the beloved and my great friends (they surprised me at 12am omg!).

Also, I wrote this.

Dear Mother

I've been waiting since 12am (Australian time). But when the time passed and not a word was said, I persisted. 3 hours and it was 12am on your side, and still not a word. I didn't expect it to sting me in such a way. I faintly recall you wishing me at the stroke of midnight, being the first to wish me every year. It was a tradition, somewhat. And now I'm trying to remember the last time this tradition of ours held true.

Has it really been four years?

You will always love me ma. And I will always love you, the most, in this world. But your son is feeling sentimental, and after four years of pretending otherwise he just feels the need to say that he misses feeling special (in this childish way), that he misses having your voice deliver the first "Happy Birthday" he ever hears year after year.

But you're an amazing mother and THANK YOU for everything. Without you I would have died by the time I was 16. I think.

<3 Kenn

Chalk another one up for that box of letters I'd never send.

Meow

2011-10-12T08:13:00.000+08:00

Okay, I decided my blog is too sad and morbid and stuff, and then people read it and think I'm a sad depressed person but that's not true it's just that all the sad bits of my life are stuffed here and god I think that's pretty scarce considering the amount of blog posts I have these days *deep breath*.

So from now on, I'd be writing some mundane happy posts as well just to... brighten things up a bit. I have also been told that my blog template is overly melancholic and looks like a suicidal person's suicide letter to their parents before he slits his wrist. Fuck off!

K. Posts of when I'm my usually happy will be up. If only I wasn't lazy. Ugh.

2011-10-08T15:24:00.001+08:00

Fuck.

Now I can't live without you.

Someone like me

2011-09-25T14:11:00.002+08:00

It just sounded like a long praise-yourself-put-me-down post lousily masked by a the-point-is-my-undying-love-for-you facade.

Because, you don't say something like that about someone you love. You don't portray someone you love in a bad light like that, even subconsciously. It should hurt you, anger you to hear shit about that person. You don't go and bring all that up, imply that that person sucks, has a track record of disgusting exes, that people think he doesn't deserve you, that it's amazing how 'someone like you' can fall for 'someone like him', and say, 'I love you regardless', because 'you're different now, you're not who you were back then', or at least you 'pray/hope/know' it.

Well screw you. You don't even know who I was. You refused to acknowledge my past, and yet you go around making judgments about me, even if it's subconscious. Whatever. I've not changed. You are dating the same asshole from back then.

Ironic. You are the one who did all that shit last semester. You are the one who played me. And you are the one that hopes and pray that I am not the @#$%^&*() I was back then?

You don't say something like that about someone you love. You don't.

Down

2011-09-09T01:13:00.001+08:00

Because I reached the peak, fell down and never got back up again.

Priorities

2011-08-31T03:22:00.002+08:00

I want the clouds around my head again. I want that haziness, that momentary glimpse of judgment that comes with falling. I want to fall to feel like I’m falling heart first into you again. I want a you to fall back into again.

Mostly, I just want to be skinny again.

(Ha!)

5 months late

2011-08-28T03:12:00.001+08:00

In the past week or so you have noticed a different me. A more distant, indifferent me. You claim that I have become cold, that I have become mean, that I don't care as much as I did before. You whine about it. You told me that you didn't like this new Kenn that stood before you. You didn't like the stone coldness that my heart had become.

So yes, we've been seeing each other less and less. But the only reason we saw each other so much more before was because I revolved my time around you, ditching plans and friends for you who would then some time ditch me at the last minute for (honestly) no fucking good reason. Really, ask yourself, what have you done, until recently when you needed me again?

The first two weeks when I arrived back in Melbourne, I needed you. I just needed you there. Was that too much to ask? But of course, your convenience and feelings come before mine, so I gave you space, only occasionally calling to ask how you were. You didn't even call me once that entire time. And well, the one night it got too hard and I gave in, calling you?

"You're overbearing, too much for me, just keep taking and taking and taking and never giving back"

So I decided to just do it as I've always done - let you have your way. I put on a happy, okay front, and told you that I was sorry and I'll work on it. Before putting down the phone and (embarrassingly) let the tears I've been blinking back fall.

Eventually, thanks to friends and my mum's support, I survived and grew stronger (or according to you, indifferent). I had decided that 5 months later, it was time to move on. I realized that I needed to live without you. I knew that I would eventually be okay. I took a deep breath, and let go.

And yet, when you were feeling down, that very week you said I didn't care, I was there for you. I did not abandon you. The fact is, you were once upon a time priority #1, but today you've fallen behind the studies that will pay for my future, the family that is dearly missed and most especially, the friends that picked up the pieces you smashed me into.

Isn't it obvious I still care?

I'm tired of changing. I told myself I would not revolve my entire self around someone who doesn't appreciate me, for someone whom I've no future with. How dare you get angry at me, when every front I've adopted were all because of you?

I became jealous and clingy, cause you said it was cute.
I placed distance between us, after you broke up with me.
I allowed myself to be affectionate once again, once you decided we could be 'friends'.
I made myself bitchy, for there was no other way for me to deal with your bitchiness.
I became stone cold, to suit you who said I was overbearing.

I cannot change myself for you anymore.

I wish I wouldn't blame you for everything, but fuck you this is my blog. It pisses me off when you dislike something of me, cause guess what? Most of the time it was something you liked, or preferred, or found endearing, or wanted. And then you go change the rules, turn the tables around, and suddenly you can't stand the way I am. Suddenly I get pushed away. Suddenly, it's my fault.

And it's only because I care for you more than you care for me. This is why I do not know how to react to your sudden affection. It will not last, and I will end up getting fcked all over again. I'm tired. Of changing. Of you. Of course I still care for you, but my sense just got knocked back into me, and the first thing I smell is the realization that this is not worth the effort anymore.

Because, even stone cold I am warmer than you ever were.

And it hurts.

Issues

2011-08-21T05:59:00.001+08:00

People think that me and my parents are super close, and until recently that's held true, but secretly I wish she smothered me with her overbearing love and anger and control so much more.

I was fighting free of my momma's grasp, but I finally understand my reason behind it. And today, with everything just out there open I wish that we had never lied to one another. Then maybe we could have had more time. Then maybe I wouldn't have wasted the past 6 years of my life feeling with this feeling in my gut I couldn't identify til now and withdrawing from you.

Guilt.

I love you ma and I wish I had the guts to tell you why I've been how I've been for so many years.

I want to let you know how angry I've been at you, and how what you've said and threatened to do had left me deep scarring abandonment issues. I want to tell you that that stupid lie you (harshly) punished me for when I was 8 and took away all my pokemon cards (fuck no) and gameboy and all and pretended to throw them out is still not a bloody lie. I want to tell you how glad I was you didn't actually throw it all away. I want you to know so many things. And I hope you know how much I love you. And right now I want to sleep.

Thanks

This time around

2011-08-19T12:11:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was an alcoholic night of release. Some of us had eyes gone watery, while some of us went all out in attempt to wash away all the sins we couldn't help commit with tears we couldn't not shed. It is always better in the morning, but that's only because life is good. And the goodness of life shines like a brimming sun, repelling the shadows for as long as it's there.

But when the night falls again, everything comes back. Eventually you learn that all that was washed away was only washed about. This time around, you're more dried up than before and before long you're so dried up you can't even rinse.

I first heard this song some time back in 09'. That was a time of you and I, and remnants of you latched themselves along this song.

Been a long time since I came back around,

been a long time but I'm back in town;

and this time I'm not leaving without you.

Karma

2011-08-08T19:41:00.002+08:00

I blew you off for a friend. I was already at McD's, lining up to order your burger before needing to be there for a needy friend. She slept with me every night before I was finally okay on my own again, picking up the pieces you left shattered behind. So yes, she is more important than you. At least I blew you off for a friend. You used to blow me off just for yourself, cause you suddenly felt like it. Yeah, I get it, you had to study. Well, now my friend needs me.

How does it feel?

Like glass

2011-08-07T02:18:00.000+08:00

I like that initial feeling you get when you finally start feeling better after reeling from a colossal emotional blow. You know, when you eventually feel like things are a little less heavy and realize that inescapable feeling that held that (metaphorical) knife close to your (metaphorical) wrist might just fade away with time?

I've been on the run for the past two weeks. Everyday felt better. I've always known it would feel better. And now I'm all good again.

Thank you Tammm for everything!

2011-08-03T14:53:00.000+08:00

Things don't always go the way you want them to.

Let me hug myself. *hugs*

Desperately Melbourne

2011-07-28T06:45:00.000+08:00

The past few days back in Melbourne have been a pathetic blur of gloom. I came back to an apartment I called home, only to realize home was not home without that dearly loved housemate of mine. I came back with an endeared friend only to have been overbearing. I came back to learn that my happy days of Semester One were wasted being such a social hermit (crab), and that living only the night life meant nothing in the long run. I came back homesick, missing the very presence of my parents (omg I love you superwoman and dad!!), all my loving aunts/uncles, my beloved cousins, my great friends, my loyal dogs (x4) and most of all my dear baby sister.

The first night was spent at said endeared friend's place, and the second night was spent alone realizing that my housemate wasn't coming home. That was a depressing night. I didn't manage to sleep at all. I had never been happier at 6am, for that was when the gym was finally open. Then I busied myself til I could no more and attached myself to Tam for what must have been the past 48 hours. Even now I'm blogging on her computer. She was the home I needed to feel. Thank god for her.

It was Tuesday when I went to look for Tam (I arrived on Sunday), and I was blinking back tears as I walked on the familiar roads of Swanston Street. I was in a wreck. The first night at her place I couldn't really sleep. But I told myself to be optimistic. I have to be strong.

And today, after finally having a proper night's sleep, I shall tell myself the same, and smile throughout the day. My life is always awesome. I just have to make the best of it.

Today will be a good day.

A hurt mask of sarcasm

2011-05-31T06:16:00.002+08:00

I've always wondered, since a few months back, of what did I do this time. I don't know if I've made a mistake, but your continuously shunning made me think to myself, and decide that maybe I've sinned in your eyes. And you would continue to be so cold.

I did try to reach out, you know. Between my wandering mind and your obviously wonderful-moments-I-wasn't-part-of captured photographs, I still called, still texted, still asked. I know, I am not one who forgives and forgets, but I really did look past that previous incident, the rough patch we just got out off, and I honestly didn't give a fuck about it. But I guess you did.

Do you matter? Of course you do. You always did. Honestly? I have always felt like the one who mattered less. It had always been me asking you out, always been me calling you, always been me disturbing the shit out of you. It had never been me who was too busy for you. It had never been my mom who would rather you not be around. But it had always been this way to me.

I'm not the nicest person around. I'm kind of an asshole. And I always tell myself that I could count on the very few of you people to love me for the asshole I am. But I guess you have better friends. You always had.

Everything is okay. I'm okay. I will always be okay. I will always be fine. This game of two you're tired of playing? It was never a game. I really just got tired of trying. I did rely on you. You.were.just.never.fucking.there. And you had never ever wanted to rely on me.

So I stopped calling. So I stopped texting. And even when I did contact you, you didn't bother to call or text back anyway. That made your decision so very clear to me.

So maybe I should've tried harder. Maybe I really did screw us up myself. But you of all people should know why I don't bother anymore. I'm not saying that that makes it right for me to give in this easily, but I'm really tired of being and feeling so pathetic, calling you out and being rejected while you are having the time of your life spending your obviously precious time with your awesome friends.

Are we still friends? You tell me. It was never my call to make.

-if your post was not about me then this post is not about you-

A bone to pick

2011-05-24T03:13:00.000+08:00

In retrospect, you sounded really terrible. Can't believe I said you were good. And please, stop flattering yourself with false comparisons. No one wants to sound or look or be like you. I might be fucked up, but with you, nothing can compare.

Eww

Forget

2011-05-08T23:02:00.002+08:00

It's not easy to forget.

I remember the hours I spent facing this very laptop, wandering idly around the internet. Perhaps I was searching for a comfort that I could not find between these walls. But one thing for sure, was that I could not bear to face the bed behind me so choked full of us.

I remember the hours I spent walking aimlessly, emotions so overspent. All I could do was keep my head low, and walk on. Walk without direction. Walk without a destination. Walk on these streets I live on. Walk on these streets I eat on. Walk on these streets I study on. Walk everywhere but the apartment that the ghost of you lingers so.

I remember the hours spent in the car, deep tearful debates underway. Discussions so torrential we were blown off the rock of rational every person stands on. Words that cut so deep, left along the way. Alcohol in our breath. Dogs barking in the distance. Leaving the car with a smile, hug and kiss. Regardless.

I remember the hours spent sitting in the LRT, playing solitaire on my fabulously purple k770i. I remember counting down the stops till I get to you. Asia Jaya, Taman Jaya, Universiti.......KLCC, Ampang Park, Damai, Dato Keramat, Jelatek, Setiawangsa, Wangsa Maju.. as they all blurred together. I remember.

I..am so tired of remembering. But it's not easy to forget.

Recap

2011-05-06T19:21:00.002+08:00

It feels like the longest time since the last I logged in here. Loads have happened since, and I'll do this in *dreads* point form for a quick summary of the last few weeks. Tbh, I'm only blogging this so I won't forget, for myself. And I will keep telling myself that.

So we got attacked at some park by random white people. I got my first punch, and they wanted to rob us. But some of my IncrediblyAmazingQuickWit™ got us out of there before serious trouble. There were 5 of us, in a crowded park, at 9.45pm. Go figure.
Infatuation, sex, heartbreak, sex. In that order. So yes I'm opening blogging about sex now.
Easter holidays spent nursing a broken heart, broken hearted friend who got dumped from a 3yo relationship came to Melby for a month, we're all broken hearted people ya'll.
Uni is going just fine.
Got an addiction to Mah Jong.
Playing tarot cards again.
Quit clubbing.
Said broken heart jump started clubbing.

Loads more shit, but that's it for now. I shall write a proper, heartfelt, profound blog post another time around. When I don't feel like slapping some bitches' face. I shall nap, nao.

I Miss Home

2011-03-20T23:55:00.000+08:00

Home would be anywhere you are. And sometimes I wish I could have unmet you, because once I found home, I never wanted to be lost again. But you are halfway across the world, and I'm lost.

Drunken Ramblings

2011-03-12T03:40:00.001+08:00

I wish you were here. Australia was our plan. Trinity was our plan. Psychology and creative writing was so us. It was our dream of some sort. Today I'm doing it all, alone. I miss you, and I'm sorry I've been bitter. I really was trying to help, but I guess I was grasping at straws, desperate, for the littlest things that would make you owe me enough to need me back again.

And even now, intoxicated and mellow I am, I hate you, you motherfucking bitch. Because I have to. But you might disagree.

They will say that you always have a choice, that I don't have to, but I choose to because I want to. And if so, I guess I do want to hate you, you motherfucking bitch. I want to hate you so much that you feel it all the way home, 6000km-s away. Because when I don't, it hurts, bad, still.

So I guess I choose to hate your fucking guts to the very core of my existence. So I'll admit to all the hypocrites that I don't have to hate you, but I want to, that I hate you because I want to, and that I want to hate you.

And My Burden To Bear Is A Love I Can't Carry Anymore

2011-03-10T09:45:00.000+08:00

So let's go let go.

Truth Is

2011-02-28T13:31:00.001+08:00

I'm perpetually being emotional in a fiery way, almost full of angst, spitting sarcastic words so spiteful, shooting repeated monologue after monologue with the same rehearsed rage, like a stand-up comedian that got fucked over one too many times.

I'm always outspoken, speaking in a manner just a little bit too loud to be acceptable, going crazy doing things that others wouldn't. Too many times I've been told that I'm the bubbliest person they've ever known, and to that I smile, without betraying the very cliche, transparent and wayy too ironic truth - that those who try hard to be something are often trying to be something they're not, to be something that they are the opposite of, to suppress the void by going all out on the contrasting end.

I got used to this, turning it into a habit, changing how people and myself perceive me to be, but not changing what I really am feeling deep inside. And sometimes when I get too into it, I almost forget.

Forget, that when I don't talk loud enough to cover my own thoughts,
forget, that when I'm not being angry enough I actually rationally feel,
that I miss you, and I actually do love you, still.

That Thing You'd Never Say

2011-02-05T06:01:00.000+08:00

Love, you finally admit.
Love, me that you do.
Love, me that you did.
Love, you wanted to exclaim that day.
Said, was that thing you'd never say.

<3

We Are A Beautiful Tragedy

2011-01-30T05:23:00.000+08:00

They end up pretending that the other doesn't exist, giving up on second chances, eventually giving in to their respective group of friends who already bitch about the other, and start bitching. The most they can do is leave an encouraging, anonymous message; while cringing at what they hear.

A Dead End

2011-01-11T19:43:00.003+08:00

I'm leaving to Melbourne in a month's time.

The past should propel, and not bind. In some twisted way, I guess we all are haunted by our memories, both the good and the bad. It's really how you take it really, whether you're glad that something really great happened, or you're crying cause it's over; whether you're sad that some bitch stole your shit, or you're glad to have grown stronger cause of said bitch that stole your shit(just a random example).

But many times I find myself looking back through the archives, reading through old posts at weird hours when I'm at dark and twisty places which makes me feel like shit. I try to be as cryptic as can be, but many times people still surprise me with questions about things they supposedly should not know, reminding me of things I've tried hard to forget.

How to forget if I keep insisting on blogging them down right? Well for a long time I've honestly believed that by penning down my thoughts I could get them out of my head. Perhaps that isn't true, but that's besides the point. The point is, haven't you notice lesser updates, or seen the not-so-subtle point of this post yet?

I'm leaving to Melbourne in a month's time, and this is goodbye ;)

One Year Down The Road

2011-01-07T16:07:00.000+08:00

365 days ago, we met. Intoxication blinded us from reality. So we met, we talked, we danced, and it was epic. I was your cute guy, that one that made you beam with pride to talk about with your friend, the one that made you smile. As were you.

354 days ago, we went out for the first time. We set foot into an overpriced restaurant, that we didn't know at the time, would become our restaurant. The usual Pavlova, and your Tiramisu, which would soon be your usual. Long story short, sparks flew.

359 days ago, we said goodbye for the first time. I thought I got better at goodbyes, but I surprised myself with accidental tears I didn't knew I still had in me. We went on to remain in contact, using words like 'baby' and never quite moving on. Soon I realized that we would say goodbye so many more times, and it would get easier with every parting.

And those were the first few days. It turned out to be a crazy roller-coaster year, and I had the best nights with you, of drinking in the car, of pretending to be together and just living in those moments in the middle of the night, of us.

This year, I half-expected something to happen on the same date. But I swept it off as it sounded so stupid, so childish, so fantasy, and so improbable. And something epic happened. And I have a feeling, that history might just find itself playing in repeat.

Would I finally forget you?
Am I really willing to forget you?
Have I been forgotten?

Grief

2011-01-04T22:30:00.000+08:00

When you lose a relationship, regardless of how meaningful or how insignificant it was, you go through the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression.. they are all necessary, apparently. All these melancholic sounding stages are important if you're ever to overcome the pain. Before you reach the final step.

Acceptance.

For one friendship, I hope I have arrived.

For another relationship, I dread arriving.

Where do I go from here?

Resolve

2011-01-03T20:35:00.001+08:00

2010 came and gone in a few swift breezes. It was quick and easy, but at times overly intense. And like all quick breezes, it left me cold. It was half as difficult stand there then waiting for the next wind to pick up where the last left off.

It's January again, much too soon, and my heart, it stayed behind in the same month exactly one year ago, searching for that magic wind that lifted me so high that I never wanted to feel the ground again. You really were like magic you know, how you made me feel, how things happened.

People tell me to stop dwelling on such sad things. The thing is I am not. I didn't linger on all the spiky, depressing parts of the year. I did not mention much about the slaps, drunken rages or purple marks I still feel on my body. I did not mention anything about me gritting my teeth, making sure someone moves on. I did not, cause those were sad things. You were the highlight of my year, and you still are, every part of our entire episode, the good and the bad.

It's a new year now. Soon I'd be living it up at Melbourne. I've already created a few blogs(hogging possible URLs) in preparation. Perhaps someday I will merge these blogs together, but when I get there, I hope to live without being held back by the past, without being bound by what once set me free. I don't wanna type something and backspacing it just cause I've written something similar. But I do.

Resolutions? Not this year. I'll make a few predictions though. One of them, is that I'll do well studying in Melbourne. Gotta be positive about change, gotta win half the battle first, gotta be brave to walk on.

I will carry on with the memory of you.

Pon The Reset

2011-01-01T15:21:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year my fav bitchy people !

You should all go out and party tonight cause you've probably only been drunk once this year at most!

kenn ;)

Guilt

2010-12-28T07:27:00.002+08:00

There's always been this something I wanted to address. In reply to a certain blog post (and the comments that you replied to those other comments you triggered)(see below). Now I shall do that, but not as an angry spike directed to inflict, but as an answer to replace the intense, indignant...passionate one I gave more then a year ago:

Perhaps I seemed like a stranger, so far away. But they say once bitten, twice shy. And that year, I was in a dark place after being bitten by you, and by that person following you. So I took the easy way out, I went on an alcohol, temporary high clubbing rage. I was no longer able to feign ignorance to the way things worked. I had ran out of blind faith, faith that we would all be okay, and that there were more happy endings then tragic stories in the real world.

Before all that shit, the person you knew was practically happy almost all the time. No black cloud could've brought me down for long. But when you came and gone, I hurt. I wasn't in the right mind to make the right choices anymore. I wasn't in the right state to be as morally righteous as I once were. All I wanted to do was to numb that void that ached.

I chose to become a stranger, because I didn't want my lingering feelings to overpower my rational mind. I wasn't ready to be sucked down that black hole again. I wasn't ready to hope that on the other side of that hole there was light.

Eventually I was ready. But you had moved on. You had someone else. And to be honest, it pissed me off to no end. So, strangers we became and strangers we were.

So I guess that's all I have to say. Why am I saying it now? Because well, this friend of mine who talked to you apparently told me you still felt sorry for what you did to me three whole years ago. And I read that entry again, realizing how much of an ass I sounded in my angry comment. So I just want you to know, that I've finished the hurting, that I've not angry anymore, and that I sincerely wish you well.

Give good testimonials, and tell amazing stories of what an angelic heaven-sent boyfriend I was to anyone who'd listen. But please, do not carry that guilt with you anymore. Despite all that has happened, I sincerely wish you well. The fire has faded, and all that's left are a bunch of happy memories that make me smile, this time without the tears in my eyes.

And if apparently, this post was wayy off target then I apologize for going on about this. Because I do take this as a compliment. ;)

I BROKE HIS EFFING HEART, AND FULL STOP!!!

he’s no longer the NN that i used to know...

my bad maybe, but he’s no longer the NN that i used to know..

who was so pure, so innocent, so decent...

NO MORE!!!!!!!

sad, disappointed..

A Memory I Forgotten To Forget

2010-12-23T05:29:00.002+08:00

Looking above as I always do, whenever I'm with you, the skies are dark. I make a mental note to ask if anyone else notices that stars hardly ever shine anymore. I wonder if it's a bad omen, but regardless I still walk to your car and sit myself in that front seat I've grown accustomed to.

And we talked.

I beamed when you told me to stay for another ten minutes. It was a rare thing. I told you repeatedly, through the ever pouring tears, that I was going to be alright. I wanted to be alright, and I wanted you to see that I was as happy as I could be at how we worked out. I hope you saw that through my wet eyes.

Eventually, I handed you the letter. We shared a hug that I still feel till today, and locked our lips to be intertwined in such an emotional kiss that lingers until this very moment. I'm sorry if I was rough, my kissing skills leave much to be questioned. But that night, I was compensating for the lack of practice with passion.

Before I left, I looked at your face, memorized those eyes and ran my hand over the contours of your face, for the one last time, to be crystallized in my heart(I won't say forever), and took one last whiff of your car and its overpowering scent. I prayed that my letter would be nearby, that a piece of me would be stuck with you.

I was glad I could still make you tear after all that while. But no, you're not the type that keeps letters.

And now, months have passed.

..thank you for keeping mine.

Stray Thoughts At 5am

2010-12-22T05:19:00.000+08:00

I'm home after a nice vacation in Penang. I don't wanna start another typical post on how I've missed someone while I was there, or how everything reminded me of someone from some distant memory. I'm not going to once again churn out chunks of negative writing under the pretense of 'permitted allocation for moments of weakness'. And I will not deny that I want to.

But I had fun. Great fun, with friends and family this holiday. Then there's the xmas party to look forward to, and lotsa fun and a great bright future in a foreign land that I can take great care not to screw up. I have everything in life, and not much of cares in this world. So why do I spend so much time convincing myself so?

I have tried so hard to make it a positive habit, hoping that sooner or later it becomes second nature. But has it?

One thing's for sure. I've learned to end a post before it becomes wayy too depressing.

Goodbye. And my life is good. And I will try harder.

I can do it.

You Were A Toxic Addiction

2010-12-14T04:12:00.001+08:00

The night has fallen and it sped by. It was time for departure. I pretend to focus my eyes on something in the distance, like I've not noticed the many people in embrace, while still retaining a sense of nonchalance. It brings me back.

Time has sure flown, hasn't it? It's been so long since our first hug, and I can't forget our last. One thing I've done right is to hug you every chance I get, because even then I knew, that you were such a dream, and that dreams never last long. It wasn't so much because I was big on hugs.

I am not the kind of person that often wishes someone else the best. Many times, I merely give a smile before looking away, or utter an irrelevant 'heheeee', or add a random positive looking smiley succeeding/preceding/instead of a line of text. I do not want to make wishes that are insincere. I do not want to say something I don't mean, just to hope you notice the hidden longings within my voice, which stir some sort of emotional realization, turning you around.

Because at the end of the day, with a rational mind, I realize I do not want you around.

It's like I checked into rehab; baby you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab; cause baby you're my disease

Down The Road

2010-12-09T09:14:00.000+08:00

Soon, a whole year would have passed and you would have had happened last year.

That kinda...makes me sad.

Just A Really Nice Day Out

2010-12-07T07:20:00.000+08:00

I miss blogging about outings, and while it occurred to me that not every single time I go out should be classified under theSuperficial, cause well, this one was time well spent with cousins.

So it all began in the morning, when I went to visit my grandma with my dad and sis. Then called the cousins, and off I went to pick em' all up before heading to MV. First off was a super bitching session. And I keep telling myself that, it is not wrong for a guy to enjoy the overuse of the word bitching, or for the overdo of that either.

We literally bitched so much that we were late for the movie. Watched Due Date.

Then after more hanging out and walks, we headed off to Marmalade @ Bangsar for dinner. Before some good ol' Baskin Robbins and then shisha. And more bitching.

Reading this again, I realize that this is exactly the kind of post that seem shallow, and the kind that I would laugh at cause I blogged it like an essay, but haha, oh well. ~~I JUST NEED A REALLY HAPPY LOOKING POST BEFORE I CONTINUE MY UNDYING JOURNEY ON THE NOSTALGIC ROAD OF REMINISCENCE~~.

And this new blogger is the bomb.

Some Things Just Don't Need To Be Said

2010-12-06T04:12:00.002+08:00

I'm not gonna talk about how I was cheated on, how many times I was cheated on, how it happened right in front of my face, or how I just let myself be lied through it.

I'm not gonna talk about how much shit I put up with, or how much shit I put up, or how I allowed it to tear me apart.

I'm not gonna talk about how I did see this coming, or how I voluntarily closed one eye, that everyone is trying to force open so I can know everything which I myself chose not to know.

I'm not going to continue this post. But I'm just glad it's over.

December's Here, Now What?

2010-12-04T04:26:00.005+08:00

WE REMINISCE.

But Kenn, that's what you do the entire year!

SO?

It's December, the month of reminiscent and perspective. You will be overly emo due to the over reminiscence!!

FUCK YOU ALL *emos and cries*

* * *

I really, really miss being able to blog with colors. There's something wrong with my blogger now, and the only way I can use colored words are through manual html coding, which is extremely tedious and something I throughly suck at. Besides that, I also really want to shit, and I've been reading really old blog posts, and I feel as if I was a lot funnier then. Nowadays it's all, remember emo emo shit shit, followed by the occasionally superficial post to show that I'm not just emo and shit. I could go on and on, and the old me would probably blog about how me and SuePig and Tam spent the entire day together but there's just too many photos and it's already all on FB and I'm it's so much trouble moving the photos around cause blogger makes it inconvenient that way. And yes, I'm making this paragraph so damn bloody long on purpose, because it looks cool when I'm about to continue how I'm about to continue in the next line.

But enough about that. Let's pretend that I'm not an overly nostalgic shitty emo emo drama king, and end this post with a smile:

(Mother fucker!! I really wanted to make that fucking smiley red.)

Still Like This

2010-11-30T16:44:00.006+08:00

Some people have this inaccurate concept that my life is all gloom and reminiscence these days, and it's not that. It's just that that's all I ever blog about, cause I let all my bitchy and superficial out on Facebook nowadays instead of typing bitchy, long-winded posts about superficial things that bore the shitzzz out of everyone.

So anyway, now for all things bitchy and superficial.

Been a lot richer since being single, and while I thought it was just, a small purchase at a time, I do realize how much they add up to.

._.

You know, just to prove that I haven't lost my touch and is still, superficial much ;)

As I Close My Eyes

2010-11-23T06:04:00.000+08:00

Embracing the sounds that fill my ears, of melodies crafted from memories and lyrics formed in desperation, I sat in silence.

A succession of songs from this particular forbidden folder left me shaken and ever so slightly wrecked. Nostalgia can bring with it two contrasting sides of feelings, but I wasn't in between. I was stretched to both ends. I was smiling with the tears in my eyes.

As I close my eyes, a pictures blurs into mind. It's amazing how familiar a place I've only been to once can make me feel. Perhaps I associated it with you?

* * *

The sun was red, preparing to set. I walked out of that friend's house, into the back of your Myvi as you took the driver's seat, said friend next to you. Said friend had no clue of our 'relationship', if we would call it so. You sneaked a glance at me, through the rear view mirror. Meeting my eyes, you gave me that familiar warm smile that you did whenever you saw me. I looked away and gave a snide looking smirk.

Avoiding suspicion, you start chatting animatedly with your friend about how the weather might be a little chilly (true enough I had a fever later), followed by a video you guys uploaded to youtube, of you both playing the piano and violin respectively to a Jay Chou song by ear. You asked for my bitchy input on that bitch who insisted the both of you read the scores, which I happily gave (fucking jealous cibai!) without so much as a glance at you.

When you finally started the car, I turned to look at the back of your head, being sure that you would concentrate on driving and not look back. I decided to remember how you looked like from behind, as I did with the front, in silence, as your head bobbed up and down with the craggy roads of Muar, in sync with whatever it was you both were talking about now.

Again our eyes met, in the rear view mirror, in between bits of music related conversation. I bit my lip, to suppress a smile I could not contain, as we drove off into the sunset.

* * *

Out of all the songs we wrote, there's this one that still makes me cry. What can I say? You were almost two years of my life.

I tried to write a song for you

so that you could sing-a-long too

with my paper and my pen

pillow by my side, I was about to begin

and I wrote words on a piece of paper

these were things I would've told you later

lyrics from the bottom of my heart

but guess what?

you've torn it apart

stab me once, hurt me twice

and I don't

think you can just apologize

and I know you'll cry as you

arrange this song

just like me I know that you'd

feel so wrong

and maybe

someday I can finally say

that it's okay

it has faded away...

p/s: written ages ago, before I originally shut this blog down. Posting it now, cause I feel the same nostalgia.

Memories I Misplaced On a Foreign Island

2010-11-20T18:11:00.005+08:00

Telling myself to fuck the fats, I prepared myself emotionally to embrace the belly for as long as I was at the island of Penang. I was going to eat, and be content and happy and oily and fat. And I told myself, I would not care. But there was something I didn't think I needed prepping for which hit me like a lost tsunami.

There seems to be a picture of us, or your haunting face, on all the sidewalks and every other streets. I could see you and I in every stall I ate at, every destination I explored, and every mundane thing I did. Going through various tourist spots, as well as a string of local food haunts, crowds were inevitable. And inevitable it also was, that I would do what I always do. Look.

Right now I await a text that you await from me. It's not that I don't miss you. It's that you're not the only one who wants to know you've been missed.

By the way, your face is the still the only face I look for amongst a crowd, did you know?

Letting It Out

2010-11-15T02:47:00.005+08:00

My college prom's tomorrow.

A trillion thoughts shuffle through my head in the most orderly manner thoughts can shuffle. The past few days were quite the emotional drain on me. At the same time, however, as it came like the quiet, hidden penance it was, relief flooded me. Whether that brought on the waterworks, I do not know.

Second thoughts about breaking up with you. Second thoughts about going to Melbourne alone. Second thoughts about that gothic bowtie. Second thoughts about performing for prom. Second thoughts about second thoughts. Second thoughts about my future. Second thoughts about practically everything.

I have always been a thinker, even when I try or pretend to be not. I always think through every possible option and every conceivable outcome. And I always look back, telling myself that there is not such a thing as regret, as there are only lessons in life, only to force myself to look ahead, to stop being a hypocrite, to halt the questioning of my decisions.

I have a future I am unsure of, am a present I question, from a past that most do not get.

But I only had good intentions.

Awaiting Dawn

2010-11-06T06:10:00.006+08:00

I was out tonight, despite it being the mid of my finals and all, and was home since almost 3 hours ago. My bed's been laid, all cozy and comfy, as I laid in it, imagining the aircon's gentle caress against the blankets. My room was drenched in pit darkness, but there I was.

Awake.

And I looked at the completely exhausted phone I couldn't bring myself to turn on, charging on the table. I wonder what sorts of messages I will be barraged by, imbued with words I told myself, were altered by intoxication. Because the thought that those were sober expressions and remarks would crush me so.

Closing my eyes, I tell myself the same thing I've told myself, over and over again.

It will be better in the morning.

March On

2010-11-01T06:49:00.008+08:00

Sometimes I think about all the people that I've lost, that I've let walk me by, that I've myself walk by, that I've let go of. Then this usually follows by pangs of nostalgia, sometimes longings, but mostly just these sentimentalities that I no longer yearn for.

There was a time when I'd wonder, what did I do wrong. Was it something I said? Was it me who expected too much? Was it me who was too sensitive about things? Did I read too much between the lines? What did they actually do? Why. Was. I. So. Stupid?

And then it all stops.

I haven't slept, whether it is because I can't sleep when you're out or if it's cause I woke up at 4pm the day before, it doesn't make a difference. I thank god that I have not abused my caffein tolerance and that one Starbucks later would give me that invigoration I need for that English exam.

They say life isn't measured by time, but by moments. I believe the same thing for love. Sometimes you see this couple who've barely been together, but yet they have this determination in their eyes telling you that they will last. Sometimes, they've been together so long and yet, you just can't see why. I believe that love isn't measured by time, but by moments. So many moments we shared, me and every one of you. The very least, I can let go knowing we've had a great time (quality not duration!).

Sometimes I look at you, and you have that distant look in your eyes, and I can see a hidden smile etched somewhere upon your face. Perhaps it's your eyes that gave you away, or maybe it's that slight crook on the lines of your mouth. And I used to worry that you didn't love me enough to let it all go. But I know now. Now I really do know.

September's ended, now October's gone; it's time for us to just move on.

I'm happy now. I really am.

'What kind of heart doesn't look back?'

Happy Birthday To Me

2010-10-26T16:07:00.002+08:00

I'm 18.

So the next time someone asks me about my age, that is the number I'll be saying. It's almost surreal to type that out, let alone say it aloud. And I wonder to myself, turning 18, how different am I now from when I turned 17?

I remember a very expensive cake from Alexis last year. I remember a certain someone who still wished me regardless. I remember how much which person gave me in an angpau. I remember which person received the tightest hugs as a cheap but sincere reciprocation. I remember bumming around for SPM. I remember being about 3kgs lighter. Most of all, I remember myself wishing for you.

I feel stupid because I can't let these details go. I feel stupid because regardless of how much I say I don't care, I still do. I feel stupid because I wanna apologize, although I never seen myself as doing anything wrong. I feel stupid because I did forgive and let you back, and you just decided to leave again.

But tonight, I'm happy. There's so much to live for. I've got everything I possibly need or want in life.

Tonight, I'm over you ;)

Love You Regardless

2010-10-18T23:39:00.002+08:00

It feels like a long way, doesn't it? XD

The Denied Who Cried Player

2010-10-03T18:05:00.009+08:00

It was a perfect situation. You knew it, and I knew it. For a moment in time, we were perfectly, mutually, ecstatically in love. We were fine the way we were. You changed this, changed that. You did stupid things. I did stupid things. We went wrong. I just didn't look at you the same way anymore. I tried again. I realized it wouldn't work. And while you were hurting for me to see, and hoping for me to show you a million tears of pain, I cried half those tears, dried them up and moved on.

Yes you got played. Brilliant.

You have won you can go ahead and tell them

The Best Year I've Had In Years

2010-09-12T16:10:00.002+08:00

As exciting as how one might perceive my life to be, it is surprisingly, quite routine. Routine is great, possibly because I'm not at a period of life when I'm open to stupefying shit anymore. I study, I exercise, I play games, and once a week without fail I'd do a little trainwrecking, to allow myself this capacity to be a total mess, to keep myself together.

I'm content. I really am. Why do you not believe me?

I changed myself because it's been a long time since I had to. For the longest of time, I had stuck to the principles of never changing for anyone else, and it just slowly faded into my subconscious, hidden yet forgotten. And now it's back, and I'm not changing myself no more.

I think, I may be coming back.

No More Tolerance

2010-09-08T14:59:00.007+08:00

I was inspired by my classmate's original story on his blog.

* * *

Not too long ago, when the air was clear except for a foul,sour stench( i won't say whom), and when sex was dirty to the hypocritical ones who thought they given life by some bird who dropped babies from the skies, a herd of 20 regrouped north of the beautiful autumn meadow to retire for the night.

It was approaching winter, and the chills had started coming in. The winds were high and it threatened to snow ever so often. Parts of the herd, who worked very hard to survive for weeks and months on end, would be fine. Those who didn't, those who only worked hard for a while or a bit, and complained about how cold winter was and that all their efforts seemed futile, would have to brace for the worst, as usual.

As it is, the rank of many horses are not told by their color, but maybe cause the White Stallion was the whitest of them all, those who were chose to disbelief the fact that there are many things besides color that would make one more liked or one more HATED, some say that the White Stallion is leader for the rank of horses were told by the purity of their color. He was a fighter capable of taking home the spoils of war, because he never stopped working, only taking breaks and having some fun in between it.

Respected for her accomplishments and lovablity, it was the unicorn. The unicorn, had striking color, and was downright different. Some may call her weird, but she was never out of place. Thus, she is beautiful, and was also the star of the herd. One of the factors that contributed to this was her horn, which stood out and granted her attention due to its random weirdness. Most thought of it as a blessing, but those bitter with penises gone wrong thought of it as a penis gone wrong.

They were not leaders, they were friends who stood out. They shared tight bonds with most of the herd, as the herd had with one another. To the exception of a few. You just can't fake friendship, they would say, as it comes naturally, and if there are things about one you just can't stand you just can't become friends.

There were also other herds, full of crossbreeds and unicorns and even ugly cows. But somehow, they were all good friends, despite all the differences.

They usually swayed to the call of the stallion or unicorn, usually for one reason or more. Perhaps it was because they were good friends, and friends have the backs of their friends. Perhaps it was because the call was the right call to do, and was the best thing to do in that scenario. Perhaps it was because they just agreed to the call. The stallion or unicorn didn't really care who followed in their direction, as long as they bathed every morning and didn't stink up the entire meadow/have the ever relenting ability to annoy the shit out of everyone, but people followed them, and few others are able to lead in this way. Some stayed in the herd for survival, obviously because the herd headed in the right direction.

Then there were lovers, couples that stuck together so close it seemed that they wouldn't let anything get in their way. It was said that nothing could separate their tender young love except for the white stallion, but it was not true. The white stallion never separated their tender young love. The white stallion were close with the lovers, and often spent time with them individually, or invited them over to eat some nice, green grass. But he NEVER separated them, or imposed himself onto their twosome when they wanted to be alone, or glued himself to one of the lover's ass adamantly, even while the other lover wanted to spend time with her. Because of this, some think that the white stallion's word is law. Truth is, the white stallion just didn't went over the line.

(There was once, though, when the white stallion went overboard. He apologized to the fat one of the two lovers, and they became even closer following that.)

The sarsaparilla-brown steed who often grazed alone now, after being rejected from the herd. He was once more a part of the herd then the white stallion ever was(the same could be said for the halfbreed, but the halfbreed opened his mouth and got fucked by the alpha male herd in the first few days itself). Was he unfortunate? We're all lucky horses, to be able to graze in such a meadow. But this steed, created tension and drama and trouble for a beloved friend within the herd. This steed called the hunters, and even ganged up on the beloved friend with the meadow watches and steed senior. This steed, had an annoying attitude that nobody could stand as well, not even the halfbreed, as the halfbreed often snapped at him.

He hardly opens his mouth, but when he does, shit torrents out like a broken dam, and the entire herd wishes he never opened his mouth. But maybe because the same thing happens to the halfbreed, he does not understand such a thing.

The crossbreed had similar problems. He had more of a temper even, and wrote a story about 20 horses in a meadow that begged for reciprocating. Snide looks follow him, as well as disrespect and 'backstabbing' (though I do think that you can only be backstabbed by a FRIEND), and rather than face the facts that he has attitude problems (and hygiene problems as well, even as the herd's lecturers told the white stallion to tell him), he'd blame it in everything else, that he's a crossbreed, that he's ugly, that he likes pink, that this and that that. But face it, even the crossbreed won't wanna shake hands with someone who eats their own (nose)shit and not wash their hands.

Neither the white stallion or the unicorn were leaders. They had no responsibility to be everybody's friend or to look out for everybody's back. But they had friends, and as usual, friends stick together. And it just so happened that these friends enjoyed fresh air as well as a peaceful, annoyance free sleep. Therefore they all curled up in the side, away from the both metaphorical and literal stink, emanating from the brown steed, and the halfbreed who would not bath in the morning.

(Quote one horse lecturer, "There is no way he can come to the class at 8am in the morning and already be so smelly." when the white stallion defended him by saying, "Don't so bad la he said deodorant doesn't work for him so it's not his fault.")

How many more lonely winters this bull has to endure before he never sees another spring? Don't ask me. He can keep his shit up and more lonely winters would follow.

Love,

K.E.nn

NOTE:THIS STORY IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CHARACTERS BEAR NO RESEMBLANCE TO ANY PERSON,BEING OR OTHER FICTIONAL CHARACTER UNLESS STATED OTHERWISE. ANY SIMILARITIES AND/OR RESEMBLANCE TO ANY PERSON IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL. /no offence intended, here's a slap to your face and I'll follow with a sorry once more.

Pangs

2010-09-02T21:01:00.003+08:00

The future is still as bright as it ever was, but I'm suddenly scared.

Things are constantly changing, and with every change wails a pang of nostalgia from my heart. There are some people who are more sentimental and emotional(read : irrational) compared to others. More then often, nostalgia hurts, until it slowly dissipates with the winds of time.

They say time waits for no man. But well, why should it. It's not like man waits for time.

I miss you. I really do.

Reliving The Moment

2010-08-23T22:56:00.001+08:00

Put your finger down on the exact moment you fell in love.

Don't regret. And don't cry.

A Moment of Weakness, A Torrent of Flashbacks

2010-08-16T20:22:00.004+08:00

One thing I've always found corny in movies, or Singaporean shows exactly (they somehow manage to make it seem ten times cornier), would be the flashback scenes, when someone leaves or someone dies.

They'd show how the two people met. Depending on the story, either a series of love-hate flirtings or some saccharine sweet affair that made everyone cringe in their tracks. Then would come the scenes that defined them as one, the scenes that kicked off the cracks that allowed the escaped emotions slip, the scenes that tell us one undeniable thing : they're in love.

Ideally, whatever follows is a perfectly healthy relationship. A perfectly healthy relationship should not be confused with a perfect, healthy relationship. Nothing is perfect, there will be fights, there will be harsh times that come and go like a breeze in the wind, and that will be perfectly healthy. Of course, alternately (and sadly, usually) the said relationship could go through some rough turbulence, one after the other. They could be arguing every other moment, so much that even when the moments are over and they are done reminding themselves they love each other, they can't bear to let the anger go. That's when you know it's over.

Then the flashback comes along, and suddenly everything changes. It flashes like lightning and sweeps everything away like thunder, bringing with it the epiphany and realization that that one person you can't forgive is the one person you can't be without, that that one person you're about to let go of is the one person you'll never move on from, that that one reason you've gave up fighting for is because of your past and its baggage, and not because that person's not worth fighting for.

I've always found that corny, but these flashbacks, they never left me.

The same time last year, I would prolly have laughed at the words I've written above. Like, wth? There's no forever, you don't say I love you forever, that's bullshit. The keyword (like Mariah said), is long time : I'm Gonna Love You Long Time.

You'll always move on, you'll always let go. In life, we are often met with dead ends, telling us to move on or be bound there for good. Eventually, most of us walk, like the drones of life's pains we are.

So I lay here tonight, revealing the cracks under my armor, admitting at long last - I am broken. So I lay here tonight, without the courage to bring you back, without the will to let you go.

Just a bad moment in time. I'm allowed them, right? Better tomorrow, better in time.

I'm gonna love you long time.

Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems,

Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano;

All I know is I love you too much,

To walkaway.

Bah

2010-08-11T23:12:00.003+08:00

Battle, lost.

p/s: no, i'm not back yet.

The Day You Said Goodbye

2010-07-25T21:32:00.004+08:00

I no longer deem this place fit for my various turbulantic expressions of emotions. I guess it's been coming for a while now, given how forced what little shit I update sound like. But no, I'm not abandoning this blog. This blog has been my life for many years now, and it's not like I'll kiss it goodbye. But I guess, it's time for a long break, because I can't help looking at this blog and not think of all the shit I've gone through (which I'm sure, is very little and petty compared to many other orphans in India/prostitutes in Nigeria bla), and you.

I have the most perfect, awesome little life. It is so awesome, it has always been awesome. But there comes a time now and then that life just knocks you down. How inevitable it was, that I've been knocked down. My life is still awesome, it's still so good, it's still more then I deserve. I'm sorry I'm not.

In fact, I'm sorry for many things. One of them, is loving you.

And for a while now, I've laid here numb. It's funny, how minimal the days we shared together seemed, yet every where I go, all I see is you. These memories will one day turn into something I cherish, and I'll go all cliched 'don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened' shit over them, but until I've moved on, until I've made peace, until then.

So yes, this is goodbye for now.

The Painful, The Melancholic and The Necessary

2010-07-22T23:33:00.002+08:00

How do I even begin to string these emotions into words?

Weren't we happy?

Remember when we said we seemed like the perfect couple?

I'm not to blame you, but why oh why were you so insecure, of that inevitable letdown? Why did it matter to you, what your friends said. Why was I to change, when we fitted together perfectly the way we were?

We were like two pieces of a puzzle that meshed together, intertwined with perfect symmetry. Why did it have to change?

You know how there are somethings in life you just can't forget? I know you, of all people, were jealous of all those things that were. But tonight, right here right now, you've turned into one of those things, into one of those that were, into one of those things in life I just can't forget.

Do you honestly still believe that this is what you wanted to mean to me?

imy

Turning Back Time

2010-07-13T21:48:00.008+08:00

I miss the days when I wasn't scared of you.

Oh above, clouds aside, how blue it is,
how can this be the color of a beautiful sky;
when blue is the color of the heart in crisis,
when blue is the color of the tears one cries.

Let's Go Let Go

2010-07-11T23:47:00.003+08:00

I've grown. And at times, I don't recognize myself anymore, and it scares me. There are so many changes in life, and the boy who could not adapt to circumstances, who so stubbornly refused to conform, against his own good, is adapting so easily.

I've learned. People talk, and people talk. You can enjoy yourself, live the life they'll never get to have because they weren't lucky enough to be blessed with your wonderfully capable parents who love you to death. Or you can sit and maintain that decent facade, watching those you call sluts doing things you wanna do, and it doesn't involve sleeping with half the town, or with anyone for that matter.

I've cared. Certain things I've just stopped bothering with, but you...you care. It makes it hard for me. So many vulnerabilities surface, the moment I allow myself to do so. I'm happy, and I can live with people bitching endlessly about me, but can you?

I've tried. I'm unhappy. There are many things that have made me unhappy. But I made a promise to try, and I will try. I will also try to keep my unnecessary anger at bay, because it's not your fault. I will try.

and I'm done.

This person that I've grown into, doesn't seem to be able to write any substantially emotional shit anymore. I read my old post, some from as late as January this year, and I tear up. So yes, maybe I've fit my emotions snugly into that corner of the cupboard, granting me the same emotional capabilities of Mickey Mouse(who is capable of emotions okay).

But does it matter, if what I'm doing it wrong?

Because I'm happy. I really am.

We're The Dream, But Just Wake Me Up Before It's Over

2010-07-05T21:14:00.006+08:00

and the title will again, encourage crazy silly and probably wrong thoughts to flutter through your mind. And yes, you are thinking too much.

So it's been a while. I've been twittering as of late. So yes, the twitter craze has died down considerably but it's somewhat entertaining and works wonders passing time while I'm bored, specially cause it's conveniently accessed through my iPhone. Apparently, some people have great, funny things to say. Wheee.

I drove to and fro Genting today. Felt good. It's been ages since I last went to the outdoor park, and it'll be ages before I ever visit it again. But walking through these familiar places, it stung as I realized how age have grown around our memories in the form of rust, creaks, faded signs and chipped paint.

All that screaming in Genting plus practice for our auditions with Frank have taken its toll on my throat, and so while I've been spamming fisherman's friends, honeylemon and lots of water, I shall also refrain from speaking. Tomorrow go 7-11 buy some Strepsils. The power power ones.

Nostalgia - it hits us all. Driving down the long, windy hills, a familiar song played, resonating through the speakers, the same song I was obsessed with when I came here the last time, many years ago. I was secretly grateful that all my friends were napping and did not catch sight of my one, overdramatic tear that somehow escaped my eyes. (I am drama like that yo)

But tonight, falling asleep on my bed, I'd prolly forget this sudden rush of nostalgia, that came and went like an eclipse. So many dreams that were, so many times I overslept.

And I don't know, how to be fine when I'm not;
Cause I don't know, how to make a feeling stop.

Nothing Lasts Forever But Be Honest Babe

2010-06-23T20:59:00.002+08:00

'..love it cannot be the only way'

I'm not sure if these are the exact lyrics to the song. Cause a lot of the time, I listen to a song once and just keep singing it over and over again. It gets imprinted in my head, with the wrong lyrics, melody and etc.

But really, I want you to know that nothing last forever. But honestly babe, love's not the only way.

Now I'm back to singing songs with wrong lyrics and keys.

'She's got both hands, in a cockroach;
and she won't look at you won't look at you'

Innately Superficial

2010-06-17T00:10:00.006+08:00

During the holidays, after returning from Kenyir, me and some bitches checked out the local courts fueled by the kiasu aura of wanting participation marks.

Happy upon arrival man omgz.

Camwhore, before heading for some fucking expensive seafood noodles for lunch and ending up in Tropicana to bowl.

* * *

At court, the bitchy judge announced that a change of courtrooms were in order. Walking into the new courtroom, a rather attractive dude, complete with muscle and tattoos, that caught the eyes of our two resident boyhunters held the door open for all of us.

I never even thought of it, until that one moment when the judge called him to the 'box'(dunno what they call it lah but all the bad guys go there wan). We were all like, wtf he's a criminal?

Damn shallow la haha. But seriously, this just goes to show that you can't judge a book by it's cover. And that I, have not risen above that.

Sigh.

Confessions of a Compulsive Liar

2010-06-12T03:22:00.006+08:00

The other day I *sorta* scratched the Estima(yes people, those are the kinda cars that I drive) when leaving college. Those cute starry thingies that suggest sarcasm aren't sarcastic, it really was a minor scratch but to say I *accidentally* scratched the Estima would be bullshit(fucking triple-parkers!)(now they suggest sarcasm).

Anyway, I knew wouldn't get screwed much for it, cause hello, the first car I ever drove was the Estima, and the fact that it only got a minor scratch now is a bloody miracle already. And my parents just aren't the sort that would really screw me over for such a thing. I already made the decision to tell them, just that that night I didn't really have the chance as my mom arrived home super late and my dad was, I forgot actually. He got home pretty late and I think it slipped my mind or something.

The next day while I was still sleeping, my dad woke me up with some good ol' fashioned screwing. I was still half asleep, and while being screwed halfway I lied and said I didn't notice it and had no idea about it.

I won't drone on about it. It happened so naturally. There's no excuse for it, but yeah.

Instinct. I believe it's derived from your subconscious. Having lied my way through much of my life to survive(forgive my melodramatism), have I conditioned myself to be instinctively crippled?

Congratulations On Your Victory

2010-06-11T03:41:00.000+08:00

I won't let this bother me.

I won't.

I Hate Izzie Stevens From Grey's Anatomy

2010-06-09T14:22:00.004+08:00

Holidays aren't all outings and late night dota-s and going on road trips and getting drunk and going clubbing and catching up on sleep and doing legal assignments only, they're also for catching up on all the favorite shows you've missed throughout the course of your busy year.

That's an artistic yet adorably cute shot of the DvDs I'm about to rambo through with Cj7 and ugly doggie my sister didn't want.

My family's going to Kenyir this Sunday(yes, after I just went there bah) and they decided they wanted to bring two TV-s and DVD players and a Wii there. Being the selfish superficial individual that I am, there was no way they were taking the flat screen and new player there.

Instead, they can take these:

and voila, THESE ARE NOW MINE :D

Happy Holidays, Ya'll!

(if you're not on holidays then I'm truly sorry and my heart totally bleeds for you xoxo)

* * *

And of course, Lady Gaga's Alejandro video is out. Any of you guys brainwashed yet? ;)

Of Overpriced Milk With Butterscotch Syrup & Four Pretty Cupcakes

2010-06-04T01:47:00.005+08:00

Had 'tea' at Wondermilk.Have you ever wondered, how something is happening someplace else, while something is happening?

I would sometimes close my eyes and just seem to breath in, to linger in the moment. But really, I'm picturing life outside of mine. I'm picturing places I've never been, smells I've never smelt, the light in your eyes I might never get to see and perhaps a love I will never know.

And then I met you.

Hmm.

Maybe these tendencies will soon cease to be? (:

*fingers crossed*

Your Brother Called You A Gorilla

2010-06-02T02:57:00.005+08:00

Four days away on a holiday,
yet you never left my mind what can I say;
'And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,

For me it happens all the time.'

♥

Watch You Watch Me

2010-05-28T00:50:00.003+08:00

Personally, I'm quite a stalker. I would google your email, your full name, your friends', search for your profile on friendster(yes, even now), facebook and the like if I'm feeling obsessive. And I get obsessive pretty easily, so you get the picture.

But the thing is, all the spying and stalking, I keep it all to myself. By that I mean I don't go around contacting the person I'm stalking. I think this is the innate stalker in most of us and it's reasonable. After all, no harm done.

So recently I've been stalked by this 'dude'.

He would send me countless messages, and at first I replied out of courtesy and all, and after a while I stopped replying as usual. Usually, people take the hint and just screw off. But in this case, he sent a few more emails day after day asking what did he do wrong and all. So instead of ignoring him, I told him I was too lazy to reply anything cause my mailbox is flooded, before continuing to ignore him.

Now, I receive two or three 'Dude..I know you're there' messages daily. OMLG much?!

And to think I used to find stalkers flattering and took them as a compliment. It even once came to a point me and this friend of mine were collecting stalkers and bragging! I guess it's proof that people change, in more ways then one.

* * *

I've stopped blogging regularly cause I just can't find things to blog about(not so much cause I was shit busy). And by things to blog about, I mean sad, depressing things cause those are things I'm good at writing while posting about happy things only make me seem more conceited. Dilemma, dilemma.

I must say, my life is pretty perfectly perfect at the moment. (And yes, that's my exoneration for this pathetic, ugh-ly slanged post.

Cause Baby You're The Only Exception

2010-05-24T00:45:00.000+08:00

Friday was Bangsar with the babes.

We brought sexyback!

Quite literally, one might say.

Dinner at La Bodega(totally overrated, don't forget to pose with your fucking food to fully maximize its price) (Digressing, the burger was naise!) before the usual Pavlova at Alexis!

Yums.

Had a blast. Hope you did too, Melinda. God knows you need some cheering up.

Cheerios!

p/s: It's just a song.

When The Tide Goes Down

2010-05-21T15:13:00.001+08:00

I think sometime three years ago, on this very blog itself, I made a very wise-sounding quote(note wise-SOUNDING), something to the extent of 'when the tide goes down, you'll know who's been swimming naked', and ended that quote with 'and a whole fucking lot of people have been swimming naked'.

Tides come and go, but sometimes when the tide goes out, you'll see who's been holding you down, ensuring you're not washed away by the beckoning of the sea.

Thank you dudes and babes who are always there for me! ;)

I know I was (damn fucking) pissed the other day because you deleted that post without my permission before I could read it, and I was unreasonable when I rained you down with profanities, but thank you.

Thank you for bothering, really :)

2010-05-19T16:05:00.002+08:00

You're right, I don't know anything anymore.

Good intentions are not enough.

I'll pretend I never heard of you.

A Singular Tear

2010-05-16T14:21:00.006+08:00

'Thank you Kenn for understanding why I did this. Thank you for not judging me and my actions. You truly are a great friend!'

As I smiled sheepishly in reply and walked away, I still wasn't exactly sure how I felt. And I realized how I'd never look at you the same way ever again, and how every fantasy I had about this future you and I could have had slowly fade to grey, I realized that I'm not above all that crap either.

No I don't understand you. But that's why I won't judge you. And I'm sorry, I guess I'm not a truly great friend after all.

Looking at the stars above, and recalling every other time you told me to look up when we used to chat, it hit me then that these stars, they'd never shine as bright as they once did ever again.

A singular tear, it rolls down my cheeks;
relishing its escape from behind those eyes, thanking that bitch who la-la-lied.

Nothing Feels As Warm As Something You Had And Lost

2010-05-12T00:00:00.009+08:00

Lying on my warm, comfortable bed, the air-con sends gust after cold gust at me. I like the cold, it reminds me of you. It reminds me of the times I inappropriately curled up against you, using your body as a heater, embracing the pulsating heat almost as much as I embraced you.

Wandering in the noisy, cruel club, as predators swoop all around me for their respective kills. Despite the friends, I felt lonely. And I liked it, caused there's no one to bother me, to distract me from walking aimlessly. Cause regardless of where I aim to walk, I see you and I intertwined, half drunk, attached at the hips.

Boarding the empty, quiet bus, I imagine you boarding your plane. For the longest of time, I've not stepped foot into this form of public transport but it was the closest thing I had to an airplane. Watching the cars and buildings pass me by, I pretend they are clouds, and that I'm in that very plane you're on, heading off to a future I've all but dreamed of.

Driving my fuckerous, but prestigious, Lexus, I've almost forgotten what it feels like to be the one in the passenger seat. Then it hits me, like a distant memory tucked safely away in my unconscious mind coming to view, of the times I've sat in the seat while you drove. And I still insist it's not my fault that I'm not the first one among us to be legally allowed to drive.

Playing my addictive, boisterous game of DotA, I can't remember the last time I left a game. But I remember that many a game I've left for you. So I could talk to you, so I could see you, so I could hear you. My god I'm obsessed aren't I.

Typing on my sad, pathetic blog, I can't think of anything else to blog about but you, cause it's you who's always on my mind. So I type, cause my restless mind would never permit me to retire peacefully If I don't finish what I start. (How inevitable!)

Lying in my warm, comfortable bed, this time I tuck myself under the sheets. I lean against one bolster, imagining my back against yours. I close my eyes, and remnants of all the past we've shared on this bed begin dictating how I feel. As memories of that last kiss go through my head, it caresses me like a gentle, yet adamant whisper.The air-con continues to send relentless breezes my way, but under three layers of blankets, I almost feel as warm as I am when I am with you.

Taking It Easy

2010-05-10T00:08:00.004+08:00

I'm scared I might one day look back just to find all these emo posts and think that all I am at this age is just emo, so I'm here to tell my future self that I'm not emo.

It's been a good weekend. ;)

Saturday was the Broadway musical cast party, followed by a night in town ;). Then Sunday was DotA, free parlour (what?) and KFC with Franky boy. Good times. Exams just finished and now it's time for midterms. Shit. As a consolation, semester break is coming and I've got great plans with great people ;)

At this point in life, I would also like my future self to know that you had pussy-like hair, as well as a fat body. If you are reading this and you are still fat, please do something. Your bod used to be damn hot okay.

Damn, I miss the days where I trained like a bitch only to lose at all the state swim meets and felt depressed to no end. The very least, my bod was hot.

Now time to revert to being happy. *snaps*

Now And Then, I Think About Then And Now

2010-05-06T23:40:00.005+08:00

Exactly two years ago, I told you to stand up for yourself.

Exactly one year ago, you did and as a result, this blog was dead and almost gone.

Today, well I'm not so sure about it yet.

Don't you find it amazing,

how two years,

a million tears, fears and life-and-death moments later,

I still think about you?

As The Music Fades Within Memories and Dance Steps Are Forgotten With Time

2010-05-03T14:10:00.000+08:00

I promise I won't forget each and everyone of you! :)

So after yesterday's final show, we all went nuts. The adrenalin rush insane, hugs and tears flew and flowed relentlessly.

As it dawned upon me that some of us might never meet again, as the thoughts of love we never knew we shared resonated soundly in the air, as the realization that everything we rehearsed and set in stone within our hearts can finally be forgotten - I cried too.

A frustrating, exhausting, strained three months have passed. At the end of it all, it was all worth it. Each and everyone of you will be dearly missed!

Thanks for the memories!

Defying Gravity

2010-04-30T00:46:00.003+08:00

In case you haven't, aside from being busy in college and constant exams (one more tomorrow which I actually need to postpone!), I auditioned, got selected, and am part of my college's Musical Theater.

Tomorrow, four months later - it's showtime.

(: Time to break a leg!

For One More Night

2010-04-26T00:16:00.000+08:00

For one more night,
Four months ago,
I prayed I'd get with you;
For one more kiss,
I knew you know,
How much I desired that too;
For one more moment,
Could we embrace?
Just a while longer,
So I could memorize the contours of your face.

For one more night,
I'd confront with vigor,
Cause with you nothing else matters;
For one more hug,
It's just not enough,
But baby I'll be tough;
For one more fight,
All the might I'd muster,
One last shot at forever.

For one more moment,
My hands in yours,
Is something worth trying for;
For one more second,
To be intertwined,
With something that won't be mine;
For one more chance,
To not let go,
So I can hold you tight and say,
I told you so.

For this is the night,
You'll fly away,
Suitcase on the plane;
For this is the moment,
That might not hurt the most,
But it came pretty damn close;
For this is the me,
You thought you seen,
But to me you're just a dream.

For one last wish
For one last night
For one last kiss
For one last time
For one last dance
For one last chance
For ..ever

Looking at the skies tonight,
the stars,
they never seemed so bright

That Thing We'll Never Say

2010-04-23T21:43:00.000+08:00

I've never said it, you'll never say it, I once thought I heard you say it and maybe not both of us are feeling it but hey, I think more then growing attached to you, and you caring for me, something has happened, blossoming unknowingly between us over the months.

And as these incessant choruses of 'what if"s' relentlessly emanate from our every thought, constantly distorted by reasoning and fears of letdowns, still I'd keep my mouth shut, not because I'm without courage, but because you're without hope.

Having said that, it's time to face the music. You were not willing to take a chance, and I tried. Subsequently, you still aren't willing to give us a shot. I get it, how somethings are more important than giving this whirlwind romance of ours a chance to challenge destiny.

Because that's what we have, a whirlwind romance. It comes and goes, as we sit and wait for the time the wind blows our way once again. At best, what we have is accidental

Because you dream of different circumstances, and I dream of defying them.
Because you hope that the future works out, while I want to plan them through.
Because you've successfully convinced me that I am not as important as your other dreams and responsibilities.
Because you've got me believing you're an inevitable letdown.
Because I should've done this a long time ago.

It's time to move on, and to get over this by June. Because if you come back then, and I'm not over this shit, I'd be sucked into this black hole of pointless fantasies and illusions of perhaps, a future? We've got happy memories, and I don't wanna shroud them in unnecessary scars.

And as for that thing that I've never said, you'll never say and I once thought you said?

Somethings are just, better left unsaid.

This road we walked, I guess I'll walk alone.

If Only We Were As Certain As Those Cleared Ashes

2010-04-21T20:56:00.005+08:00

I wonder how I'd get this off my shrunken chests without sounding overly dramatic. Cause it's not an overdose, and it's not drama. It's just a relentless influx of unbound emotions. (Yes, another one.)

* * *

Thursday

Watched Clash of The Titans. Honestly, better then expected. This is not my favorite movie genre, yet I enjoyed it more then other movies, even more then the last few(not-so-recent) movies of the preferred brand. Or maybe it was your company?

It was supposedly your final night here. With your flight booked for tomorrow and my heart braced for yet another goodbye, it never seemed so certain.

I hugged you tight, like I'd never hug you again, and returned that lick on my ear to you with one, of my very own.

Friday

Turns out you ain't leaving. Some volcano with some weird name in some weird place erupted, sending an abundant of ashes into the skies, causing the airlines to postpone all flights. Hurray it was, as we made plans for another date.

I had to make a choice, of either this night, or the next. And I chose tonight. Not because I couldn't wait, but because fate could twist you away at any second, and I was absolutely confident in my ability to beckon you from whatever it is you're so busy with.

Another night, of warm kisses and jealous hearts, we were intertwined.

Saturday

The last Saturday night we spent together I ended up inebriated and had to rely on your hands to walk. Tonight, I was so tired that I could hardly even muster up the energy to attempt intoxication.

But every moment spent, especially those when you introduced me as your boyfriend, made me smile sincerely, and sincerity is imperative as I was tired and all night long, all I could bring myself to do in respond to anything was smile.

* * *

I won't elaborate on how intertwined we were, or how passionately we kissed, or how unwilling I was to let go while we hugged. But I must say, my inevitable letdown, that this was the highlight of my year.

That Day In The City

2010-04-20T21:26:00.001+08:00

I'd never thought that it would turn out to be such a busy day for my long time kidnapped camera. It all started out with the usual camwhoring in class (now college yeeha) and a spontaneous decision to head to the annual PC fair started a very photogenic turn of events.

Heh.

Pei Szan and us.
Pei Szan driving and us.

Pei Szan
Janice
Gilfred!
The NickSoon™
The PeiSzan™

People started laughing at us for camwhoring so much. So we took a picture of them!

Turns out, they're camwhores too ;)

Hottie right ;P
LET'S END THIS POST WITH A GLAMOR SHOT :

;)

Do You Know How Hard I Tried, To Become What You Want Me To Be?

2010-04-20T00:28:00.003+08:00

Did I say something stupid?
There goes one more mistake
Do I bore you with my problems?
Is that why you turn away?
Do you know how hard I tried
To become what you want me to be?

Take me
This is all that I've got
This is all that I'm not
All that I'll ever be
I've got flaws, I've got faults
Keep searching for your perfect heart
It doesn't matter who you are

We all have our scars
We all have our scars

You say don't act like a child
But what if its a father I need?
Its not like you don't know what you got yourself into
Don't tell me I'm the one who's naive
Do you know how hard I've tried
To become who you want me to be?

Take me
This is all that I've got
This is all that I'm not
All that I'll ever be
I've got flaws, I've got faults
Keep searching for your perfect heart
It doesn't matter who you are
We all have our scars
We all have our scars

Come on, just let it go
These are things you can't control
Your expectations, your explainations
Don't make sense to me
You and your alternatives
Don't send me to your therapists
Deep down, I know what you mean
And I'm not sure that's what I wanna be
No

Take me
This is all that I've got
This is all that I'm not
All that I'll ever be
I've got flaws, I've got faults
Keep searching for your perfect heart
It doesn't matter who you are
We all have our scars
We all have our scars
Oh no no no

Did I say something stupid
There goes one more mistake..

-Scars, Allison Iraheta

Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

2010-04-11T04:37:00.004+08:00

I went there earlier, just as you predicted I would. Having met so many old friends and acquaintances, while making new ones, it's so hard to believe I still expect to feel the same way I expected to feel while you're gone.

Empty.

Have you ever wondered?
You tell yourself you'll eventually be fine, and that this process of hurt and recovery is just the usual norm, that it's good for you cause it's this type of hurt that you will inevitably go through in life anyway, so why not now.

And then I wonder..
Isn't it sad, how this degree of sad, has become a norm.

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

Do I really, oh my inevitable letdown.

If Tomorrow Never Comes, I'll Just Stay Frozen In Time Right There Next To You

2010-04-10T01:23:00.003+08:00

Because at this moment, that's where I want to die.

I've ran out of words to use, and exhausted the things I have to say. Because honestly, every time this happens, it doesn't get very different, does it? But still.

Originally, I titled this the Inevitable Letdown, the end. But no, perhaps at this point in our lives, this will be the finale, and last Saturday night the highlight of the year, but our story has not ended.

The very thought of that breaks me down. It's a paradox, how I can't live with or without you.

* *

Today, I've been told again, from that same person again, that my blog is beautiful. What can I say? You're beautiful. And I'm blogging about you.

College Chronicles #3

2010-04-09T01:02:00.000+08:00

In order of days and time ;)

CHOW MEI MIN :3!A sleeping Benz is a useful Benz.

This is how we roll!

The Hardest Yet Most Inevitable Thing In Life Is Accepting That Nothing Lasts Forever

2010-04-06T21:19:00.008+08:00

Yesterday night I fell asleep with a heavy heart, bound by the decision that I should have made, yet pushed aside because it is a lot easier to claim exhaustion as an excuse.

Today was a good day. And now it is time to deal with this.

It's funny how I was aware of it coming all the time, but how I still attempted to fight fate. But now I'm tired, and I guess the very least I can say is that I won't ever regret not giving us a shot.

I doubt this would be the last I'd hear of you, but I say this with a heavy heart and an exerted soul.

Goodbye, you of the inevitable letdown.

* * *

The Choo-s, my best friends way back then, came back from Aussie! And once more, no word from them.

What else can I say [:

Goodbye, really was goodbye.

That Night In The Car Park, You Next To Me And Alcohol In Between

2010-04-04T23:14:00.006+08:00

I was really drunk Saturday night. I think I forgotten to control myself because you were right next to me, and you were such a good drinker and I didn't wanna lose out. Also, I think that was the first time I enjoyed the taste of alcohol. That bottle of McCallan's was super spicy, don't you agree? Or maybe it was just you next to me that made all the difference.

I lost count of the times our lips locked, and the one hickey on my neck I can count has been concealed by a whole lot of concealer cause my oh my, you really sucked and bit hard on that one didn't you. One thing was for sure, I never left your side, and I've never been happier stuck to someone like glue.

I hope I didn't embarrass you in front of your friends or something. I know I'm quite incorrigible at times, especially when I lack the inhibitions to control myself while intoxicated. I'm sorry we didn't get to dance long, and I'm sorry I got so wasted you had to drive me home and carry me to the gate.

Most of all, I'm glad I didn't scare you off, you of the inevitable letdown.

♥

Now Your World, It Has Really Fell Apart

2010-04-03T00:03:00.006+08:00

I typed it and pressed enter out of habit. A habit I've long sworn to forgot, and just recently reinforced.

I knew it was crumbling, that the very ground you stood on shook with every passing second, threatening to give in and release you into that free fall you can't get back from. Like what if they caught you with him while there were drugs in the car?

Wake up, please. Hurt all you want, but never forget that someday you will recover, and that there are somethings you can't recover from.

Me? I'll continue telling everyone you're a bitch I've stopped caring about and pretend that it doesn't hurt at all. Not that you would even give a shit though, right?

Those dreams of saving you from yourself,
and the walls you erected to keep your hell in;
they just won't go away,
but I have.

Becoming Who We Are

2010-04-01T22:18:00.003+08:00

Done my ESL outlines, drafts, LAN project, maths homework and earlier this week my econs and legal presentations which I so totally kicked ass as I had rehearsals everyday for that musical at college while I prepping to take my driving exam and playing DotA and Digimon Battle Online like a bitch. :D

I love it!

Like I said, someone's back from the UK, and I'm no longer dateless for the next few weekends! :)

* * *

Still. I wonder how you're doing, my drug distributing, part-time ah long friend.

I See It Coming Together

2010-03-30T19:28:00.004+08:00

I've been busy, despite the week long holidays last week. Presentation preparations, assignments and social calls swamped me to no end, and halfway through it all I developed a fever that worsened with the added combo of flu, prolly cause I popped two Panadols at a time to keep it at bay as I partied the night away.

Economic presentation is now officially out of the way, and scoring a very pretty 19/20 for it, I'm pumped! But of course, not as pumped as your arrival back in local shores made me, as I counted down the minutes from first blink this morning.

You oh you, of the inevitable letdown,
welcome home.

I've missed you!

Of Camwhores, LRTs, Fat People, And More Camwhores

2010-03-25T23:37:00.011+08:00

Lazy to Arrange™

My Incessant Dislike of Chipmunks

2010-03-23T02:27:00.009+08:00

Racing against time towards the local train station, the stupid taxi man overcharged me by 4 ringgit. Maybe he could tell I was in a hurry and was a scared little 15 year old boy. But he would never have guessed the reason I was almost shaking with fear.

I was so tired, having just spent 13 hours pushing phones at work. I think I really wanted to toss the phone away when it rang, but I was expecting your call. It was Ju and Jo, telling me they've got the tickets, and to hurry.

That 45 minute LRT ride felt unnecessarily much longer.

* * *

Running to the entrance facing the park, with the sky lights of KL in the backdrop, I scanned the park, only to find you staring at me with those endearing eyes, staring at that silly boy who looks as if he just ran a thousand miles, for you.

Talked, walked. Side by side, we didn't hold hands. There weren't many people left, and it was not cause I was shy.

I was busy feeling thankful to a god I did not believe in, for the reality of you, finally being next to me.

* * *

I walked ahead, catching up with Ju and Jo, which they gave their nods of approval.

'Cute!'

Grinning broadly, I slowed my pace until you caught up. Soon, with popcorn and coke in hand, we entered the cinema, once again too busy to hold hands. You wanted to act like some hotshot, searching for the seats, of what exact number I do not remember, but definitely, Row G.

* * *

As the show went on, I kept peeking glances at you, wondering why you left me hanging, to play this pathetic game of peekaboo by myself.

Stupid seats in stupid cinema at KLCC are completely sealed off by a partition beneath the arm rests, meaning there was no way we could hold hands without catching the attention of everyone else around us.

* * *

In the car, next to me, you gave Jo, who was a noob at driving at that time, instructions on how to get to Wangsa Maju. You were too assertive, and it didn't fare well with them. There are somethings even 'cute' can't help to overlook. And that was why they were my friends.

Finally arriving, after stopping at a Shell to ask directions from the friendliest looking taxi guy, Lion was awaiting as we made our way to his house. He was a good friend then.

* * *

We watched the Simpsons. I was tired(13 hours of work remember?). I fell asleep in your embrace, and woke up to your angelic face right next to mine.

You told me, and you've never stopped telling me how you brushed my hair off my face and kissed my forehead.

I think, that was the best night of my life.

* * *

We had dimsum. We were kicking each other under the table, while Lion was passing me suggestive glances as he smoked his lungs away. On the LRT again, I remember feeling ugh as you messaged that bitchy friend of yours. But I kept it to myself. It didn't matter to me.

* * *

Timesquare, haircut and McD's on the LRT. I remember that hairdresser girl asking me, 'Why you boy also so vain?' in a flirty, chinese manner. I smiled, as we made our way to the Neoprints in Sg Wang, and you related your story of a previous awkward experience there with that ex.

* * *

You doubled checked the safety of that card, and left with your friends - who were lost previously and gave me one hell of a headache directing them with my terrible sense of directions. I finally saw the bitchy girlfriend you told me about. Not that pretty also.

As I sat at the bus stop, I counted the steps you took as you walked further and further away from me, only looking away to look upwards, so my eyes would follow the LRT that you would be on.

* * *

Conclusion

There were many parts of our relationship that sucked. But I'm telling you now, it didn't suck and it was not laced with regrets. Thank you for allowing me to be the purest of me, for making me feel like I don't want to be anyone else for once in my life then.

But I'm sorry because I can't help feeling nostalgic.

Because I'm not cringing every time I heard an Alvin and the Chipmunks song, nor do I find the sequel ridiculously pointless, nor am I looking away in disdain whenever they pop up. But because, they make me forget to forget.

So you say I was important. So tell me,three years down the road, what do you honestly remember? And eh, is that card I made you still with you overseas now?

I miss you too.
(:

Because of You

2010-03-21T00:27:00.003+08:00

For all those who've been adamantly pursuing my SPM results (to see what happens to the boy who parties like a crazy bastard before and DURING exam), NAH.

6A-s. Including GCE, of course. If moral or SPM standard english can be counted, o-level english is definitely counted.

Fam's back from Shang Hai, college is good and I'm still on hiatus.
Ciao.

Closure

2010-03-17T01:28:00.002+08:00

I've just been through the epitome of emotional roller-coasters. Perhaps an overwhelming sense of nostalgia forced us into this delusion of... reunion. Should've known nothing good would've came out of intoxicated reconciliations.

I'd prolly be not updating for a bit. Need to get it all back together, all the once organized mess that I let flow out the past year, and to avoid sounding like some sohai because sohai-s are pathetic, and that is one thing I will never let myself seem like for you ever again.

I'm hoping this time around, moving on would be possible because you made your choice. I admire your toughness. You truly were my bestfriend.

Happy Birthday in advance.

If I could give you one gift, it would be the gift of true indifference.

Moving on, or die trying.

All We Had Left Was Faith

2010-03-14T04:29:00.006+08:00

Back when I had more natural hair and we were at our best.

I decided to move on the moment you said 'I understand' and walked the other way. For me, it wasn't a misunderstanding, because I assumed you understood me. And chose to walkaway.

I don't expect us to be perfect, I don't expect you to be unfailling. We are far from it. But I needed you there, I thought the one thing I could expect you to do was to reassure me that you'll never leave. I guess I was too dramatic, too addicted to the magic you see in movies, because despite the many attempts to say it right, the message didn't deliver, and the only reassurance I got was from other people, reassuring me that you'll assure me.

People left, a lot of them. All the while we've been tight, people have left around us. We were the only unbreakable, but remember when you felt like you lost me, and I reassured you? Turns out I needed reassurance too.

I honestly don't know about you, about all the faults that I've done in your eyes, so I'm sorry. But from these brown eyes of mine, all I saw was you saying you feel like you've lost me, to me reassuring you you've not, to us going back to not spending time together, to me asking you out to MV two weeks in advance, to you not showing up and me calling you after you were one hour late and saying 'If you don't come know I'm going home' and you replying 'You go home la', to me giving you the cold shoulder, to the only apology received in the form of one line under one date in a blog post filled with pictures of you and the superficial saying 'I was sick and slept in all day', to you one week later asking 'So what did I do wrong this time?', to you saying 'You understand', to us never speaking again.

You realize you have never apologized to me, for anything truly significant, ever?

I was in a rut at that point. Everyone who left, showered me with plenty of pretty words before they left, and all we had was faith. Remember how you always said it was effortless to be with me? It was effortless for me to be with you too, but before being with you, to actually get you close, what an effort it took.

I just wanted more of my popular best friend. I just wanted to know I was important, and more important then those words she threw at me ever so often, because I was scared. And all I had, was faith.

I contemplated, because I was trying so hard, to not let us fall apart. And we were alright, not perfect, but still alright.

But what happens when I stop trying? Where would the love go?

So I took a leap of faith, and decided this time, I would not be taken for granted. I want an apology.

I honestly do not care about my ego, about being the one to break the silence, to be the one who mouths that word people claim hardest to say - sorry. But I needed to know, that if my faith, was blind.

I needed you to do what you always claim we could do - take each other for granted.

So I took you for granted, and decided that you would definitely drop your ego and say sorry to save us. Because I was important. Because I was your backbone, your spinal cord, your very, visible nerve. I had just as much faith in you as devout Christians had for Jesus.

I always thought I could read you, and even till this day I could still imagine the words you would say to any given situation, but I no longer believe in them. Because turns out, I didn't know you as well as I thought I did. I no longer had faith, and could no longer make out whatever you said to me, because I was wrong. But I never once believed you were ignorant to all the shit, because that much of you I still knew.

Many times I wanted to apologize, but often I succumb to the dramatic way we defend and argue via bombastic blog posts, and when it comes down to it, I just imagine you saying 'I understand' once more, and I give up, because for me, you chose your ego over me.

I had faith in you.. but perhaps I let myself down. I'm sorry.

I might never move on. But I've learnt to live with it. It still sucks, and I've never trusted again. You were the one I would've trusted with my life. So where do I go from here?

I love you, and I promise to always do, despite how stupid it is, but it is the easiest thing for me. Because that is the only piece of you I have left, and I haven't grasped my heart around a future without you.

But sometimes, love just ain't enough.

We Were As One Babe; For A Moment In Time

2010-03-12T02:02:00.002+08:00

So today, our eyes met. I was honestly stunned for that moment, and our gazes locked for quite a while.

And then I walked away-
Moving on to what I should be doing,
moving on with life.

I also checked Friendster out. Perhaps I thought that words from the past could quench present thirsts, but whatever it was I was wrong.

And it's not just you.

I had so many friends. Where did you all go?

Being an asshole with principals sure has its price.

Spank Me, I Am Naughty

2010-03-10T19:51:00.011+08:00

There's this Korean restaurant called the Street Cafe opposite college that we frequent during breaks despite the fact that the food always arrives 30 minutes after we ordered, which is very LATE if we've only got a one hour break, excluding the to and fro journeys.

But we always go there la still. Cause it's a whole lot of fun! :P

And honestly the food is not bad.
But the fun doesn't stop there! They provide pads of yellow sticky paper to write on and post on their walls, and of course we don't miss out on this.

In fact, the other day we stole three pads of em', and spammed em' back at class.

It first started out like this :
Then we couldn't stop.
Then we did it again, and even insulted a mentally handicapped person along the way.

Then we wanted more, and morE, anD MOREEEEE....
Then we kaboomzed.

Then I got creative.

I call it, 'my classmates and lecturers!'

There's Janice...

...Sue.....and PeiszanThat's about it for the normal people I think.

We have a very panda-like Yik Khong the Panda, pretending to chomp on bamboo but is in fact hoping for a bamboo rat.
Then we have Peterchew.
(Pika-chu, geddit?)
He is smoking, and puts his thundershock attack to good use - lighting cigarettes.

Then we have Joseph, the dwarf.
Aaron Heng the magikarp.
Gyn-nett and her favourite words

Fat Gabriel and Joyce the Mashimaro

Then 'Miss' Wu :D

And I think the last picture is pretty self-explanatory. And bear in mind, Ng is a very common surname!

OH OH! And of course:

Kenn's Panda :P

Why Do You Let Them Do That

2010-03-06T03:48:00.007+08:00

When I write about love, I feel so stupid. I get so conscious of myself. I imagine all the old(er) people out there becoming all dismissive and condescending. Because I know I would. What would someone like him know about love? Maybe that's why I try using bigger, more mature sounding words.

When I write about feeling depressed, I feel so stupid, and worse - shallow. I imagine everyone else shaking their head while making quick comparisons and references to some orphans in Africa or some dead pandas in China or whatever. Because I know I would. Maybe that's why I compensate by adamantly insisting that I'm happy everyday, just not every moment.

When I get out of a relationship, or just mere flickers of it, I blame it all on myself. Even if I'm never the cheating, lying party(I hear you snickering, and thus you are not worth my fucking time). I imagine people looking at me, and thinking about how this retarded, shallow boy is pretending to be deep. Because I know I would(at certain people lah). Maybe that's why I always assume I'm wrong, because I'm afraid I'm never right.

When I hear a rumour about me, I am dismissive and I comfort myself with the fact that I don't need to prove myself to anyone, and anyone who needs proof is not worth my time. I imagine people looking at me, not trying to conceal their snide remarks or snickers, while I pretend I'm too focused on the road ahead to be distracted, or that my earphones are turned way up. Because I know I would(also, at certain people). Maybe that's why I'm so bitterly sarcastic, as a result of my defensive tendencies.

When people assume things about me, I tell myself they're not worth my concern. I imagine them all gathering in a group, discussing about their one mutual dislike. Despite the fact that what I did, was what I felt was right. Because I know I would(to a limit). Maybe that's why I'm so cold, because just maybe, pretending I don't give a shit would actually mean I don't give a shit.

When I sleep alone tonight, I'll think it all through and tell myself :

'My my Kenn. You are one stupid boy.'

But when I wake up, I'll always be alright. Because my life is awesome. And probably loads more awesome then most people. But I'm not even asleep yet, so for now I'll be the stupid boy who's afraid to be judged but brushes it off just because he wants to believe in himself.

And someday he will. Someday.

Sometimes You Forget How It's Like

2010-03-03T20:12:00.006+08:00

I've had this Dvd player for three years now. It's hasn't always been great to me, but it was my Dvd player for so long. I've learned to live with it. Plus, it looks pretty.

Today I bought the entire second season of Private Practice. I tried watching it in my room, with my good ol' Dvd player, and after 10 minutes into it, it just jammed and wouldn't play. I was prepared to return the Dvd the very next day, and bug the hell out of the shopkeeper to gimme a discount for my troubles or something.

Till I tried on the Dvd player outside. And it worked fine. It was never the Dvd's fault, like I thought, but in fact my Dvd player. And four episodes later, I felt sleepy and paused the show. Stepping into my room for a break, I accidentally fell asleep. Waking up more than an hour later, I thought to myself, 'SHIT. Now the stupid Dvd'll automatically shut itself down.'

But to my surprise, it didn't. Despite that, I still subconsciously expect it to.

I've had this chapter of my life for quite a while now. Perhaps it's ending, perhaps it's not - but regardless, it is my life.

I am not used to being told the truth. Having said that, I've not always been that way. Somewhere during the beginning of 2008, I stopped believing everything anyone said because they were all lies. Every time I were to have a little faith, I would just learn that the while I thought I grew a little better at identifying bullshit, the liars grew more then me.

I tested the boundaries, and tried to prove myself wrong, only to prove myself right every time - they're all lies. It doesn't matter who said them, because people lying and leaving - it's all part of this life which I've been blessed to live. And I accept, because no life is without issues.

I don't expect this to justify my distrust, nor do I expect anyone to understand because it's not their problem. But I think this is as close as an apology you're gonna get unless you say it aloud. I'm not into mind games.

And well, if you choose to just move on, I accept. God knows, that's another thing I've grown rather comfortable with. It just means whatever friendship we had wasn't worth salvaging in the first place.

Now, back to Addison and her chronicles of islamic vagina repair while my mind dwells one very cool fact that makes me sound victim-like. And yes, Tomato, this is for you.

I've forgotten what it's like to be hearing the truth.

Because You've Long Left Your Marks On Nights Like These

2010-02-28T13:34:00.007+08:00

In the midst of the busy, overly successful open house, a whole bottle of Macallan's and its supposed grand blend of 12 year scotch went missing, while a huge bulge surfaced on the right side of my pants *ahem*, shielded with only the fringe of my shirt.

Prelude
As we sat there, drinking on those cars, it suddenly came to me how poetic a car park could be, especially when contrasted with life - we all race to it, just to leave as soon as we can.

Then it hit me, that we are all car parks, or at least once were or will be, at some point of our lives.

Thoughts of reasonable depth threaten to smother me, so I do the same. I smother them back, drown them with shot after shot of liquid wonders. And yet that comprehension does not come to me till a lot later..that some things don't go with your inhibitions.

Dance Dance
I don't think I've ever seen E that slutty. And it certainly doesn't go well with teh fats LOL. But to say I disapprove is to be a hypocrite myself, so I approve.

You were coming. I was going to need a head unstirred by various parts of the past - my past, your past and our past. And so I danced! To the rhythm of the beat, to the swaying of the crowd, to swing my thoughts away.

All Things Else
-deemed insignificant.

I was already too preoccupied, with all the other disorganized thoughts within just dying to be sorted out. I haven't even thought of how I was to describe you without people confusing our broken friendship with another cliched love gone wrong.

But just so you know, I dreamt of you. Although it was the night before, and it was the old us(when we were both skinnier, shoulders less broad and untaintedly 15) on the bus we never got to ride, I remember every word that spectre of you said to me before coming up to me with that hug I used to receive.

'Are you gonna breakdown and cry now?'

Indeed I did, and because I've dreamt of you so often for a year now, I knew it was a dream even then. But I gave in, and woke up crying. Which is quite a feat these days.

The past, it haunts us all.

Betterment
An hour and a half at the mamak next door.

Strange how I somehow manage to snuff them thoughts when it's all quiet and orderly, and instead fail to do so when the music is pounding relentlessly, when the bodies gyrate shamelessly, when I hustle adamantly.

Arriving home to mom still playing poker, I hide the empty Macallan bottle outside. Just in case.

Conclusion
is a boy waking up with the biggest sore throat wondering how he's gonna sing at rehearsals, to the disappearance of the empty bottle, from more petty dreams and missed calls.

The dissipation of that bottle of Macallan would likely stir some emotional unrest within me if I was still intoxicated. Because I dunno about the others, but the bottle and me pretty much started out with roughly the same fullness, but when the night ceased we became one and the same.

empty.

In Response To People Who Assume I'm Dumb

2010-02-26T17:32:00.006+08:00

Please use better excuses or you'd just look like a sucky liar.

* * *

Pictures from Tam's open house!

I super dominating ok!

Me and my first black friend! (plus two hands of pat pohs)

the Negro mafia

good lighting :D

'proper' family portrait

Was a good day :)

Fuck You Very Much Get Outta My House And Don't Dig Your Nose When I'm Kicking You Out The Door Either But If You Did Just Put It Into Mouth Like-

2010-02-24T20:29:00.006+08:00

-usual okay?
(blogger restricts how long titles can be.)

College is hectic, and I usually enjoy it.

As of right now, I've got to study for fucking ESL(stupid essay got stupid impractical stiff format) and Economics, which are both counted for our 50% internal assessment marks, download print and do the law shits so I can get the answers tomorrow for next week's exam and do maths homework and revise till I can get it all into my head - all while ignoring Psychology and juggling DotA, the musical and its infinite rehearsals as well as deal with my emo shits brought forth by randomness and you.

Usually, the feeling of contentment, of overachieving will make me feel all worth it. But tonight I'm sick, and I feel like giving up that TER 95.00%++ goal I set for myself...which is quite sad cause I think I'm right on tract and that I'm also...not that stupid *must not sound conceited*.

When I rant, I'm boring and I will suck the life out of your cat. Therefore, I am interrupting my boringness to bring you a picture of SuePing and me outside theLoft. It sucked, and not in a good, makes-you-cum way. Thank god for her. We made it work.

Also, I had three extra panadols because the first two weren't working. Shit, AM I GOING TO DIE?

joking.

Also,

Megan Fox in Psych class.

Most of the boys went wild. Stupid blind assholes *pfffttttt*

G'dnite.