I'm here cause I have things to say that I can't on my anonymous blog.

Wtf

Since U Been Gone

Melbourne has become such a lonely place.
My room is somehow so quiet it's deafening.
It'll be summer soon but it feels so cold.

I just need you here with me, in bed watching TV drinking hot coco having sex.

TMI

Sorry

I shan't deny that I enjoy the attention. But I always make it clear, I always state explicitly of the zero possibility of anything blooming into more than it is.

I'm sorry I wasn't harsh enough.

I Shall Grant You No Such Power Over Me

You meant so much to me. Despite this, somewhere along the lines things changed. You're still very much as important, but I guess I have deemed you not worth the effort. Like how these things always are, I can't put my finger on the exact moment in time when this occurred..

..But on the bright side, I still can't decide if I'd rather have never met you at all or not. Take that as a comfort?

Wait, what am I talking about. What comfort? You never needed any comfort from me. Yeah.

Stop distracting me, gotta study. Bloody Londoner. I said bloody cause that's fucking British.

edit: Wrote this in anger. What an irony, writing this post to state that you no longer have any sway over me but it was talking to you that made me write this in the first place. Classical K.

Jealousy

I've always been the silent-jealous kind. The kind that's never outed by a shade of green, that smiles benevolently like nothing's going, who wishes you warmly without a tinge of envy; but deep down is so jealous his smile is threatening to stab you with a knife (secretly).

The lesson to conceal my jealousy came in many doses - when I was younger (in primary) my best friends were one of my old classmates and his younger brother, Justin and Bryan. They were really wealthy, highly loved and thus thoroughly spoiled. They got everything they wanted and more, even all the things they hadn't realized their yearnings for.

We were tight, staying over once every other week, going on family vacations with each other's families, talking on the phone till late, planning the future together (wtf).. until they left for Melbourne years before me growing apart anyway. But all that exposure to the luxuries they took for granted left me green eyed on many occasions, and often after expressions of jealousy (as a 9 year old kid) I felt stupid, and regretted my display. Over time I guess I've learned to not wear jealousy on my sleeves.

Some people get the impression that I'm not the jealous kind, that jealousy is just one of those emotions I don't feel (often), because after all I've got it good as well. And I go with that, because being jealous is just pathetic. I'd rather feign apathy and walk on. I'm a classy bitch.

Anyway all of the above were digressions. I originally intended to just express my secret jealousy here in (semi?) private. Being friends with their mum on Facebook, I often see her photos of her visits to Melbourne, of her hanging out, kissing her children, etc etc.

Jealous.
And I can't decide whether being jealous of something like this makes me more or less pathetic. On the bright side at least it's not superficial?

My mum's got a way with words, and I've got a memory built to never forget. Words are the most dangerous weapon one can wield - they cut so deep when left along the way and while you tend to disregard it it never heals.

I've never been the kind to be shy about affection with my mum. Always used to let her hold my hand in public (even at 15), amuse her and go along with whatever she says in front of people to impress upon them that her son finds her cool and isn't embarrassed by her.. wouldn't that be something parents would kill to have?

So why did she tell me to not be so close to her? It wasn't inappropriate. Bah really moody thinking about it, really hurts to put it to words so I'll just leave it at this:

I'll never touch you again. 

Justin and Braaaaayan, it's been almost 10 years down separate roads and here I am once again, back to square one, back to being jealous of your possessions, back to pretending to being that envious little boy again. I miss you guys.

Happy Twentieth Birthday

I dread admitting this to myself so bad that I have spent the last 20 minutes contemplating to type it out or not. I figured why not, since only I would be reading this blog anyway; but that's the thing: I will read it. To put it on paper (figuratively speaking) would be to make it real. 

It sucked. 

So fuck it all it. 

* * *
[on Mum]

She said something to me on my birthday. It hurt pretty bad. I was in high-spirits before, but her words just kinda set a low mood from then till now. While not as bad, it's certainly reminiscent of how things felt in 2008, and what drove me to that bottle of pills. I don't know if I'm overreacting, but this has definitely had a long time coming. 

Our relationship was so strong and now it's so fucked up. Honestly it's mostly you, mother. Whatever idgaf.

* * *
[on Kim]

When you repeatedly have to forgive the same mistake again and again, you get jaded. I'm done with my exhaustive, extensive emphasis on keeping your damn mouth shut on this matter. It's not that I don't wanna let it slide (again), but what's the point when you keep doing this shit. It's the 4th time now, at least. So fuck you.

Don't use drunk as an excuse. Ripped your note to shreds.

* * *
[on Moon]

Was kinda disappointed I guess. That's something I hate about nice people: you can't tell if they're being nice or if they genuinely see you as a close friend, as someone they like having around. Oh well.

* * *
[on Kwan and Ling]

At least you guys are still cordial on the surface (at last). Still feeling the underlying vides from Kwan though.. but that's not exactly my problem. Please don't put me in between, and please don't ask me. I hate it. 

* * *
[on Zhi]

Selectively oblivious or just deaf? Whichever it is thank the heavens for your support.