Jealousy

I've always been the silent-jealous kind. The kind that's never outed by a shade of green, that smiles benevolently like nothing's going, who wishes you warmly without a tinge of envy; but deep down is so jealous his smile is threatening to stab you with a knife (secretly).

The lesson to conceal my jealousy came in many doses - when I was younger (in primary) my best friends were one of my old classmates and his younger brother, Justin and Bryan. They were really wealthy, highly loved and thus thoroughly spoiled. They got everything they wanted and more, even all the things they hadn't realized their yearnings for.

We were tight, staying over once every other week, going on family vacations with each other's families, talking on the phone till late, planning the future together (wtf).. until they left for Melbourne years before me growing apart anyway. But all that exposure to the luxuries they took for granted left me green eyed on many occasions, and often after expressions of jealousy (as a 9 year old kid) I felt stupid, and regretted my display. Over time I guess I've learned to not wear jealousy on my sleeves.

Some people get the impression that I'm not the jealous kind, that jealousy is just one of those emotions I don't feel (often), because after all I've got it good as well. And I go with that, because being jealous is just pathetic. I'd rather feign apathy and walk on. I'm a classy bitch.

Anyway all of the above were digressions. I originally intended to just express my secret jealousy here in (semi?) private. Being friends with their mum on Facebook, I often see her photos of her visits to Melbourne, of her hanging out, kissing her children, etc etc.

Jealous.
And I can't decide whether being jealous of something like this makes me more or less pathetic. On the bright side at least it's not superficial?

My mum's got a way with words, and I've got a memory built to never forget. Words are the most dangerous weapon one can wield - they cut so deep when left along the way and while you tend to disregard it it never heals.

I've never been the kind to be shy about affection with my mum. Always used to let her hold my hand in public (even at 15), amuse her and go along with whatever she says in front of people to impress upon them that her son finds her cool and isn't embarrassed by her.. wouldn't that be something parents would kill to have?

So why did she tell me to not be so close to her? It wasn't inappropriate. Bah really moody thinking about it, really hurts to put it to words so I'll just leave it at this:

I'll never touch you again. 

Justin and Braaaaayan, it's been almost 10 years down separate roads and here I am once again, back to square one, back to being jealous of your possessions, back to pretending to being that envious little boy again. I miss you guys.